Week 12 Update

Monday 16 February 2015

It’s been a little bit of an odd week, I’ve been feeling more unsettled and weirdly insecure about everything, although I couldn’t tell you why.

My little bit of a bump I thought I could start to see emerge seems to disappear sometimes and I even find myself thinking ‘Am I really pregnant?’, which is daft. I guess it just seems so abstract still, I haven’t got my head around the fact its happening because of not having been trying for any length of time.

I’m still working on trying to be less focused on what I ‘should’ be feeling like.

My scan has become a big mental obstacle where I keep torturing myself that I won’t feel the right way when I see my baby for the first time, won’t feel a rush of love or an instant connection or any of the things I believe I’m supposed to.

When big things happen in my life, I have a tendency to feel detached, like they’re too unreal to be happening, and I don’t connect with them immediately. I felt that way all the way through my wedding day, so what if this is the same?

 Two colleagues brought their new babies in to visit on Friday. It was amazing to see how well they both looked and how in their stride they seemed.

One baby is 14 weeks old and the other only 6 weeks! I was too frightened to have a hold, which is something I’m really going to need to get over sharpish! It felt so weird that I’ll be in the same situation in six months time.

Sometimes I feel so scared about the whole thing, its like I’m questioning everything and feeling nothing but fear. I wonder if Seb ever feels the same? He doesn’t let on if he does, but it must be a big thing for him to process too.

He’s always been such a natural with his niece and nephew though (not to mention one of the broodiest men I’ve ever met), whereas I just feel really awkward around new mothers and babies most of the time.

 I also had my first dose of dyspepsia the other night. Woke up at midnight with my stomach churning and such bad heartburn. I was sick and it felt like pure acid, so horrid. I’ve been very grateful for the ensuite these past few weeks!

After not having experienced any morning sickness, it was strange to suddenly be getting such a strong reaction. I also felt a bit guilty, like I’d eaten something the baby didn’t like!

I haven’t been eating any more than usual yet, but I have noticed I’m starting to get full up a lot quicker – and then hungry again half an hour later.

Friday night was date night for Seb and I, we haven’t been out just the two of us for a while. We headed out to Annie’s, purveyors of the finest gourmet burgers known to man, straight after work. I can’t do staying up these days, so I headed home straight after while Seb went to meet some of his workmates who were out for a drink.

Its very strange after so many years of being together to think that it will never really be just the two of us again in a few months.

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